Okay, so I’m glad I didn’t agree to the noon thing on Monday because yesterday I was already late–but that’s okay. Baby steps.
In further thought, I’ve realized (or remembered, because I’m pretty sure I’ve learned this about myself before but didn’t do anything about it) that the reason that I don’t take those steps, start those big projects, hope for the best, is because there is a very real chance that I can fail. I have this terrible instinct reaction to “Well–if I don’t try, I didn’t fail.” If I don’t apply for that job, I can’t ever be overlooked for it. If I don’t make my feelings known, I can’t even be turned down. If I don’t send out my drafts, I can’t ever get rejection letters. For a very long time, my desire to not fail has way overpowered my desire to succeed.
But the truth of the matter is the exact opposite of those instincts. If I don’t apply, I’ll never get the job. If I don’t try, I’ll never succeed. As much as I would love for life to just hand me what I want, it doesn’t work that way. I’ve been very lucky in that I haven’t had to work too hard in the grand scheme of things for my life to be as good as it is, but if I don’t push for more, try harder, take risks, then I’m going to end up here forever–just as good as it is, never getting any better.
So–here’s to admitting that it’s okay to fail. Because at least that means I’m finally trying. I have to have faith that if I take enough risks, if I try hard enough to succeed, then eventually I have to get a ‘Yes.’