That was when I became a truly bad person.
Samuel was wonderful. He understood when I didn’t invite him in that first night. In fact, he seemed almost thrilled. “We’ll take things slow.” He assured me, cradling my face in his hands, “important things are worth the time.”
And wonder if he would have been quite as optimistic if he knew I was just steeling myself to sleep with someone other than James. I will admit, the first time I did sleep with Samuel, my fear was that I was going to forget and say James name instead. I know that is an extremely petty and self-centered thing to have been afraid of, but there it was anyway.
One day, the day before my fifth date with Samuel, I finally decided to just relax. I decided to let Samuel woo me. The boy clearly liked me, and he was trying so hard–besides, I was only going to make myself miserable by allowing myself to think “well, he’s not James.” this cover up relationship was bound to be around for a while, so I might as well figure out how to let myself enjoy it
After all, I had no doubt that James still slept with his wife from time to time. And he probably let himself enjoy that too.